I’m not sure that this post has as much of a direct point or purpose as the others so far, but it is what it is, and hopefully it will be helpful or interesting to some. Also, I may or may not try and make a drawing to go with this one at some point, no promises.
It is interesting how we can be reminded of certain things in the most unexpected times. Tonight (at the time of writing), while I was enjoying some time with some friends, one of us fell and hurt their ankle. Fortunately, there were people there who could help them keep their ankle from getting hurt further and could help in getting them to a medical facility to assess the damage. But there were two different things that struck me from this encounter.
The first thing that struck me was how useless I was. I have often found myself seeing how useless I am, particularly in how devoid of skills I am, as far as I can see. I was reminded again of this, as I just sort of stood there while others were actually being helpful. This extends further than this sort of situation, as I find myself feeling so useless even with regards to being helpful and contributory in my family.
It feels like I’m a parasite sometimes, just feeding with no benefit to the host. And much like a parasite, I am so lacking in skills, competencies, and basic functionality that without the host I would probably die. Even with regards to my future, I do not know what I want to do yet, particularly since those things that I have an interest in doing I would likely be unable to make a living doing, so I would still have to be parasitic or die. And unfortunately, I am not sure how to stop being a parasite, since though I have tried to become useful, to contribute, and to gain skills, all attempts seem to have ended in failure. A common outcome.
The second thing that struck me was the person who was the primary aid in preventing further damage to the ankle. Specifically, the thing that stood out to me was the gentleness and kindness in how they helped, it was honestly quite touching. It drew contrast to the feeling of uselessness. It also reminded me of the passage:
“Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.”1 Corinthians 12:4-7
This indicates that all Christians are given spiritual gifts through the Holy Spirit for the common good, in whatever way is given by the Holy Spirit to each person. What this also indicates is that even if I do not have any talents or any such thing (at least as far as I can see), this states that I am given spiritual gift(s). That said, that does not mean that I necessarily know what that is in me. And in my case, I do not know what spiritual gift(s) God has given me through the Holy Spirit. This complicates making use of that.
So, I must seek in what way(s) I have been spiritually gifted. But as that process continues, I also need to continue attempts to become less parasitic. I do not want to be a parasite, on my family, friends, or any others. And so, I continue to try to become useful, to contribute, and to gain skills, and hope to overcome that common outcome.